Grief and Loss
Silent Voices Heard Impact of the Birth Mother Experience:
by Donna Portuesi, MSW
To live an experience is to know it. For the birth mother, however, living the experience and understanding the totality of the experience may be a lifetime journey. The relinquishment of a child for adoption permeates all aspects of a birth mother’s life. Only a couple of decades ago, many unwed mothers, no matter how capable, were scorned and labeled "loose," "bad," "unfit" and "undeserving." The social manipulation of the past created an environment in which most birth mothers felt that they had few choices. This shamed mother-to-be often had to "hide" as a way to safeguard her secret from friends and family.
Much has been written about the adopted person’s struggle with identity, and rightfully so. However, little has been published about the impact of pregnancy and relinquishment on the birth mother’s identity. Eric Erikson, a development theorist, describes the identity-forming years around adolescence as a time when an individual strives to achieve "a sense of uniqueness as a person [and] a meaningful role and place in society," and attempts to define both self and goals. These are difficult tasks under the best of circumstances. For many young women, becoming pregnant and relinquishing a child during the crucial "identity forming" years only compounds an already complicated situation.
Is it any wonder, then, that an unwed mother, whose womanhood was shamed, disdained and stigmatized by society, and who was deemed unworthy by her family and friends, would have a host of issues around her identity—then and now? Often the birth mother believes that she is undeserving and a bad mother. In addition, she may feel punished for years because of her permissiveness. Over a decade of clinical practice at Adoption Search and Counseling Consultants (ASCC) has demonstrated that issues of self-esteem, relationship difficulties, "numbing" behaviors, depression, over- or under-achieving, compulsive-obsessive and panic disorders are often the residue of the relinquishment experience. In addition, after the loss of a child, it is common for birth mothers to experience secondary infertility for reasons not yet understood. Birth mothers who have other children are often overprotective as a means of preventing future loss. More research in this area is vitally needed.
If the birth mother is in her teens at the time of relinquishment, it is reasonable to assume that this experience created numerous emotional scars, in additional to the physical loss of her child, due to the mother’s age. Denial becomes survival for most birth mothers. Frequently the ability to love or trust again is arrested. The psychological trauma may also cause amnesia around certain aspects of the experience, such as date of birth, hospital and birthing details, and events, places, and significant people at that time. It is not uncommon for the birth mother to become developmentally fixated at the age of the trauma.
In exchange for their tears, many birth mothers were promised that they would "forget." Indeed, few birth mothers ever forgot. Thus, the necessary grief work and healing at the time of loss, and years after the loss, became nearly nonexistent. In grief therapy, it is believed that when the feelings around loss are arrested, so are other feelings like anger, joy, and happiness, as well as the ability to feel and fully grieve other past and future losses. Life becomes muted.
The following list of "birth mother losses" was compiled by the participants of a two-day workshop and retreat that I facilitate for birth mothers:
Healing is difficult because of the complicated and delayed grief reaction. It is particularly difficult to grieve the loss of a child as though dead when that child is still alive. The hope for a reunion also arrests the grieving process. Healing is important, especially as connected to the reunion. The issues and losses compromise the birth mother’s sense of self and are carried to the reunion with her child. The birth mother who reunites may, at some point, confront the same intensity of pain as when her younger self suffered the loss of her child. It is the younger self, with all her pain and vulnerability, that will be present at the reunion.
Just as the adopted person brings both the infant and adult self to reunion, the adult birth mother and the younger, traumatized mother are also there. Thus, the reunion of mother and child is very complex, because there really are four people present at all times. It has been stated that the adopted person has two mothers and two fathers, but only one set of parents, the adoptive parents (if a couple). I believe that the birth mother, too, becomes a parent to her child by helping the adopted person understand the impact of the relinquishment and adoption experience. To do so, it is essential that the birth mother get to know herself and the ramifications of her experience so she can be present, available, and open to meeting her child with his or her special needs. Then, as a mother and a parent, she can help, teach, guide and support the adopted person through the delicate reunion and post-reunion stages.
Some of the many constructive ways a birth mother can work on healing are listed below.
©1995 and 2000, Donna Portuesi
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