​IN PURSUIT OF AUTHENTICITY: AN ADOPTEES QUEST

Author: Joan E. Hertz, PhD


Like many other adoptees, Beth was told that she was especially chosen to be in their family.  On a deeper level, though, she felt it was some innate defectiveness of hers, and not the chosen-child story, that was the real reason she was relinquished by her birth mother.  So, in an effort to compensate, Beth developed an acceptable persona.  She was congenial and charming and devoted to being whatever she thought her parents, teachers and friends wanted her to be.  This defense mechanism, known as the as-if personality, is a term coined by the psychologist Helene Deutsch (1945).  Knowing she was adopted, she grew up with a sense of really not belonging. This defense is common among adoptees.  Fearing she might be given away again, Beth compromised her authentic self.  Underlying this false self, however, was depression.
 
By the time Beth was in her early 20‘s her depression defined her life and so she sought psychotherapy.  The first phase of treatment was to enable her to be authentic and to let go of the persona.  Two months into the analysis we had the following dialogue:
 
Beth:  I don’t feel well.  I feel that I am holding everything in.
Analyst:  What are you holding in?
Beth:  I feel like I am walking on egg shells with you.  I can’t be me.
Analyst:  What if you were you?
Beth:  You would hate me.  If you really knew me, you would hate me.
 
Assuring Beth that her hatefulness was completely acceptable to me - that expression of anger is normal -  enabled her to proceed with the analysis.  For the first time in her life, she could be her real self.  What began to emerge was a new awareness of positive self reflection.  She began to think she might be pretty.  She even considered the possibility that she was smart. 
 
As the analysis unfolded, it seemed more and more likely that if Beth were to find her biological roots, a more complete emotional recovery could be expected.  Genealogical bewilderment,  a term defined by H.J. Sants (1964), affects all adoptees whose records were sealed - total lack of knowing all inherent biological traits.   At this point in her analysis, Beth decided to conduct a search for her birth parents.  At best, she knew she would most likely lose the fantasy that her mother was a famous movie star, and at worst she might suffer the devastation of being rejected again.
 
One evening, a couple of weeks later,  Beth called me at home.  Crying, she said she just spoke with her “real mother.”  They were reunited the next day.  Beth’s father, who was unaware of her existence, openly accepted her into his family.  One of Beth’s first feelings of authenticity occurred when she saw her half-sisters for the first time and discovered that she, if fact, did actually look like someone else in this world.  A more difficult process was having to accept that these two families lived their lives for all these years without her. 
 
At this point in the treatment Beth was visibly more comfortable and spontaneous in her relationship with me.  She was surprised that people close to her noticed this change in her personality.  Reuniting with her biological parents enabled her to be her authentic self.
 
Sealed adoption records have been in place in America since 1917 supposedly to protect the adoptee and adoptive parents from disruption by natural parents.  The International Association of Adopted People states that it “does not support any form of closed adoption as it is detrimental to the psychological well being of the adopted child.  A case in point!

The psychological evolution of Beth enabled her to have meaningful relationships with friends.  She was now able to let people get close to her.  Finally, for the first time in her life, she fell in love.  And then she got married.  The emotional journey we shared was like no other.  Her authentic self and her adopted self came together.  At her wedding both of her mothers walked arm and arm in front of her and she had a father on either side walking her down the aisle. 
 
Joan E. Hertz, PhD